BEL MOONEY: Should I tell my partner I want to be a woman?

Dear Bel,

I am Anthony, 69, and in a civil marriage with a man, 13 years my senior. As far as other relationships go, I have had one failed marriage; my wife was totally wrong for me and also unfaithful.

Outwardly I look male but, inside, I know full well that I should have been born in the female gender. Inside me is a woman.

I have certain types of female gender characteristics — like I sit down on the loo and when seated in a chair I just automatically cross my legs or sit with legs crossed at the heels. I wear my brunette hair just below my ears and dress on a borderline between male/female.

In private, I have dressed as a woman and it felt so good — like this is me. I have done research into gender changing. A company in Manchester does gender-changing hormones but they are so expensive. I would be on hormones for the rest of my life.

I am not an ‘out’ trans person but very much in the closet. Oh, how I wish to be a woman!

In online gender quizzes I come out as female gender. I just wish I could rid myself of male body hair and have a womanly figure. I have been told by women that I have very female looks — slim legs and hands.

My married life is not very sexually satisfactory but my husband is very good in other ways. He does all the cooking. I know that he does love me. But sometimes I am in need of physical love.

We share the household expenses on a 50/50 basis, but I am responsible for the food.

Thank you for listening to me. Sorry for the very long email but I need some time to explain myself. Since I’m in the closet I have to live my life as Anthony, which hurts emotionally. My true self is female.

There’s a voice inside me shouting ‘Woman!’ but right now, I’m having to control my desire to be female yet try to behave very discreetly like a woman.

I cannot be my true self but have chosen the name I would like — Yvonne.

What do you think?

ANTHONY

This week Bel advises a reader, 69, who asked: Should I tell my partner I want to be a woman?

Some problem letters are so far outside my experience/expertise that I need help. So before I give my own immediate response to your letter, I consulted the friend I first met as the hugely talented journalist and novelist David Thomas, who has transitioned and is now called Diana. Here is her reply:

‘The first thing I will say — which will seem the hardest, but turns out to be the most liberating — is, come out. You owe it to yourself and the people who love you to be honest about who and what you really are.

‘The longer you live a lie — or at least an incomplete truth — the worse it is for you and everyone else.

‘When you are honest and open, all the shame and self-disgust will drop away, like the lifting of a huge weight from your soul.

‘Be kind to your husband . . . gentle in the telling of your truth. The more you can bring him with you, the easier it will be for you both.

‘Don’t rush it. The longer time you take to prepare the ground, and the more work you do on your appearance (your beard is the first priority), your movement and your voice, the easier it will be to go out in the world as a woman.

‘You will need laser treatment to get rid of dark hair in your beard. White hairs can only be removed by electrolysis. Sadly, both treatments take a lot of time and neither is cheap.

‘Seek specialist counselling. This is easier said than done because the demand for transgender counselling, psychological assessment and hormone treatment far exceeds the very meagre supply of people who provide it. Visit the Gender Research Society (gires.org.uk) for more guidance.

‘Speak to your GP and ask for a referral to a specialist gender clinic. Again, waiting lists are long, but don’t be put off. And as impatient as I can imagine you might be, don’t rush things. You need time to adjust, to try things out, to discover who you really are and how far you want to go. And that may well not require full surgery.

‘Plenty of people find a point along the way where they feel comfortable and stop there. It is your choice as to how you want to express your gender identity.

‘And one last, but vital thing. Don’t be afraid. I spent decades terrified of the consequences of coming out and being myself. I dreaded the transition process. I just wish someone had told me that if it is the right thing, and if you do it right, transitioning can be a joyous process.’

All that is encouraging advice — from somebody who knows this subject. Diana also agrees with me that the first priority is to talk to one’s partner honestly and allow them the shock, distress and anger they are bound to feel.

Diana says: ‘As a general matter of principle, I think it’s vital for trans people to meet the rest of the world halfway. Because if we want our lives, our rights and our identities to be accepted and recognised, then we have to accept other people’s rights and identities too . . . and that begins with the people we love and who love us.’

Now speaking for myself, I do worry that your longer letter reveals some truly simplistic stereotypical ideas of what constitutes ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ behaviour.

It concerns me that your age and that of your partner mitigate against you achieving the rather wonderful transition Diana Thomas has managed, albeit after much effort and expenditure.

Yes, I worry for you. But I hope that searching conversations with your partner may show you a way forward, even if it is simply more understanding. Perhaps there are two people within you, and both deserve some room.

My disability stops me divorcing

Dear Bel,

I’m 56 now and fed up. I am spending another evening alone in my kitchen watching a small, old TV while my husband (in name only) watches the large TV on the comfy lounge sofa.

I’m disabled and can no longer work. He is a spoilt man who gets angry at the smallest things. Life is a constant tip-toe around his moods.

We’ve had separate rooms for the past five or six years and I don’t recall the last time we said a kind word to each other. We are two people who happen to live in the same home.

He lives like a single man, yet when I say I’d be happy with a divorce, he says, ‘When I’m ready’. He knows I suffer from severe anxiety and depression, yet makes these worse. I have tried to take my own life due to this intolerable situation and am in touch with a therapist who agrees I’d be better away from him. Easier said than done.

I have no income apart from PIP, so can’t afford to rent and there’s no help, as we own the home we exist in. I constantly feel upset, angry, worthless, yet see no way out. Living in my car on the streets would be far better than what I endure every day.

I don’t want to get up, as I see no point in anything or in life itself.

MARIE

How many couples exist like this? Your terrible, bleak letter is a reminder of life’s realities — and also that many problems have no easy answers.

I wish I could send uplifting thoughts your way, but it’s not easy.

Yours is a marriage in name only, existing within four walls, not a ‘home’.

You are already seeing a therapist and tell me in your longer letter that you’re in touch with ‘other professionals’ too.

I’d have suggested you discuss your depression with your GP, and my first port of call for marriage problems is Relate.

But the situation you describe is beyond the reach of such interventions, I fear.

You don’t mention family or friends. Is there anybody you know (even his family) who could take your side and try to talk to him?

Think hard about this, because you need all the support you can get.

And it might help you if there were a path to follow, one step at a time, taking you forward.

So inform yourself with information about divorce. Although Legal Aid for divorce costs is no longer available, you can get aid for mediation.

A mediator can help you and your partner reach agreement on several issues, such as property, money and children, instead of going directly to court and fighting over these issues with the help of your lawyers.

To find a family mediator or a legal adviser with a Legal Aid contract, try the Legal Aid Finder (find-legal-advice.justice.gov.uk). The mediator will assess your situation and tell you whether you qualify for Legal Aid.

Alternatively, you can also use the Legal Aid Checker (gov.uk/check-legal-aid) provided by Civil Legal Advice to find out whether you are eligible for legal aid, or you can even call directly on 0345 345 4 345.

As a married woman, you do have rights and need professional advice.

At 56, you are still young. Have you suggested to this man that he would be happier living a new life?

If he’s a selfish bully, he might respond best to suggestions made with his own welfare at heart, rather than yours.

I do wish I could be more help, but please do remember to telephone the Samaritans (116-123) when you feel life is not worth living.

And finally… Careless AND caring – your NHS struggles 

Many of you responded to last week’s lead letter from Ingrid, dazed by grief and anger after her husband’s last hours, made so much worse as an ambulance crew did not listen to her.

It was no surprise that readers chose to share their own sad stories of incompetence and (sometimes) neglect within our much-praised but less-than-perfect NHS.

As Brian H explained: ‘Unfortunately, large organisations, like the NHS, are run by oversized management structures, which have to reduce the job to box-ticking because they don’t understand the business as it really is.

‘Nothing will change, as the people who really understand the procedures are emasculated by the ones with the power but not the knowledge.’

There was also good news. Here is Sue M: ‘I read with horror the letter from Ingrid last Saturday. My husband Keith had passed away the previous day in the Alexandra Hospital, Redditch.

‘The care, compassion and kindness shown to both of us during his short stay was outstanding. They let me stay with him as much as I wanted and even let me take our dog in to see him. I just wanted you to know that there still is a caring side to the NHS and I feel fortunate to have experienced it at a very difficult time.’

Of course it is as important to give praise where due as to be severely critical when the service falls short. And when a hospital tries to cover up failings, that should be exposed.

Nothing is either black or white. I know, through having a baby born with a rare congenital disease which necessitated years of care. The NHS was wonderful then but as an adult my daughter has found it less so. Where thinking and care should be ‘joined-up’ it is often patchy and careless. Nobody seems to have the will to tackle the faults.

Thank you to all who recounted stories and views. Everything you write enlarges my own (currently rather stressful) life.